Many men and women in a new relationship, struggle with the difficult question of financial support for their partner. Should they or should they not help them with their normal bills. This is a very difficult question, and it leads to a great deal of stress and possible breakup of the relationship.

Both men and women frequently form relationships for ulterior motives. The man may be lonely and have a need for sex and companionship, while the woman may be looking for someone to help raise her children or to provide some financial support. While these are natural motives, and not necessarily negative, a relationship formed on the basis of chemistry, attraction, and common interests, comes under great stress when money comes into play.

Usually after the couple has been together for a while, one of the partners begins by asking for occasional money payments for some outstanding or nonrecurring expenses. This may be for items such as car repair, the need for a major appliance, or an outstanding medical bill.

This request creates immediate stress for the giving partner. He or she may give the money but not feel good about it. They feel that they have been pushed prematurely into a level of commitment or responsibility that they are not yet ready for in the relationship.

Soon, the requests for money become more frequent. As this occurs, the giving partner realizes that the gifts of money have been linked to sexual intimacy or other favors. In order to keep the relationship going, the giving partner finds that he or she is now paying many of his or her partners monthly bills, and does not like it.

In this scenario, at least two mistakes were made by the couple.

1. The basis of the relationship was changed or redefined.
2. The giver of the money did not set appropriate boundaries.

In a relationship where both partners live together, the resources are pooled for the common good of the family unit. Each brings talents and assets together which are synergistic, making the whole greater than the sum of the parts. Each member feels responsibility towards the other to contribute and to maintain this productive family environment.

In the informal dating relationship described, this is not the case. The giver and receiver of the money live apart from each other, have separate lives, and thus lack family unit goal building and a sense of common responsibility. This creates manipulation by the receiver of the money and resentment by the giver. If the sex for money link becomes strong enough, the receiving partner may develop a feeling of entitlement that enables them to feel no sense of responsibility whatsoever for attainment of payments. In essence, they are getting many of the benefits of a family unit without any of the work. The other giving partner does all the work but gets few of the benefits.

What is the answer to this dilemma?

It is a bad decision to pay recurring bills or give money to a boyfriend or girlfriend. Helping your friend on a very infrequent basis maybe fine but you must avoid the appearance of providing regular support prior to establishment of a formal relationship.

Set boundaries and do not let the other partner redefine the relationship into something that you do not desire.

Otherwise, you may be giving everything and getting nothing.