Our children learn about relationships from us. They learn how to be loving caring people or angry violent people from how they see us behave. What do they hear you say to your partner? How can we be the parent we want to be? Look at what you say to your children and what they hear you and your partner say to each other.
In the December issue of Bright Start, Kidicorp's magazine for parents, is an article on having a healthy relationship. According to Jeff Sanders, Chief Executive of Relationship Services, "Every week our counsellors work with over 200 people who are dealing with issues of violence, anger and abuse.
"In some families hitting and forms of physical or emotional abuse has become a habit but it is more likely to encourage fear and deceit rather than love and trust."
Observe yourself, how many words of praise do you say to your children daily? How many do you hear for yourself? We all need encouragement, especially children. It's what makes many families effective along with setting consistent, firm limits and using reasonable consequences.
Parents who combined praise and attention often find they get the behaviour and co-operation they want from their children. The result-everyone is happier!
It all starts with us, if we can control ourselves and manage how we are feeling we A lot of parents are surprised to discover they have more influence over their children when they focus on controlling themselves.
If you think your relationship needs help did you know many couples are eligible for free counselling in New Zealand. This support is available to anyone in a relationship and it is not means tested.
For advice or help with your family relationships contact 0800 RELATE 0800 735 283.
Use these guidelines to contrast a healthy relationship with one that's at risk.
When your relationship is working well:
1 You like each other and you say so. You keep your friendship warm and lively.
2 Complements and encouragement are plentiful.
3 You give each other credit when things go well. When things go wrong you put it down to bad luck or a mistake rather than your partner's deliberate effort to hurt you.
4 If it matters to one of you, it matters in the relationship. Make room for each other's views even when you disagree. You don't have to shrink to fit in.
5 You spend more time looking at your own part in a problem than in blaming your partner for their part.
6 When you say or do something that hurts your partner, you say sorry and mean it.
7 Conflict is about sorting an issue, not bad mouthing a person.
8 You keep connected with each other. You know the detail of each others lives and hopes. You tell each other what you really feel, even if it's hard. Warning signs / critical factors that undermine relationships
All relationships have ups and downs. Some of these patterns will feature in most relationships at times. But if these patterns are taking over your relationship they will damage you and those you love.
1 Criticism comes easier than complements.
2 Complaints shift from what happened to who's to blame and why they're bad.
3 Sneering, sniping and putdowns become a regular thing.
4 Coldness, sarcasm and the silent treatment are familiar.
5 Acting mean is more common than meaning well.
6 Proving you're right and they're wrong has become the point, sorting things out is lost in the past.
7 Conversations feel full of attacks and ambushes. It feels pointless or risky to say what you want so you stop saying much at all.
8 The relationship feels like it's mostly about problems and they're hard, maybe impossible to fix.
